My new toy

my new laptop

After months of researching and planning, finally i bought my new laptop. This was the 3rd time i'm using it. So many new things, I still couldnt get use to it. I still have much to learn......

Murmuring...

2 funerals in 3 weeks...I was exhausted physically and mentally. I just felt something missing in my life. I lost my father and grandmother in 3 weeks time. Why did all these happen to my family? And in such short period of time.......who could stand all these? Why, why and why? I just wondered. I could fell like I became 'quiet' these few weeks. I rarely talked especially to strangers. I just did not have the mood to make new friends. Was I griefing? This might the only answer medically.

For the past few days, i kept on asking myself again and again. " What is life? Why is human being brought to this world?" To enjoy, suffer or pay debt? I was searching for the answer. I believed that everything happened for a reason. It was just as simple as you would fail your exam if you did not study hard. "How do you explain those which born mentally or physically challenge?" "Is this a lesson for their sinful parents, debt from the baby's previous life or as a result from a negligent doctor?" Nobody could give a certain answer. " How do you decide the duration of the survival in this world?" " Is there a guideline for all these?" Perhaps only God knows. "Why do we suffer from illness?" Some diseases run in the family. What we could see was most of the family members passed away due to the disease itself or its complications. "Is this a curse for the family itself?" "Why do the period of suffering from a disease to death differ from people to people?"

So many why...my mind was at haywire. And the last why.." Why dont all these questions appear while I'm still a medical student?" Perhaps I was not care enough.

If you have the answers for the questions stated above, you are welcomed to drop me a msg or mail to me. Thanks!!!

A letter to my father

Dear father,

Dad, I know you have tried your best. I hope you can rest in peace. I shall have done better. I promise to put more effort to become a good doctor, perhaps a better one. Thanks for your support throughout my medical school years. I will remember you always. I never forget all the time we spend together. We always drink Chinese tea and red wine together. You are the one who tell me all about Chinese tea and red wine. Dad, I will never forget the time we spent together, especially Shanghai, Beijing and recent Genting trip. Thanks for all the good memories you give to me. At last, dad, I will miss you always. Thanks for everything. Please forgive any mistakes I have done. I'm sorry. Thanks for everything!!!

Love you always,
Daughter.

The Last Dinner As A Batch!!

Look at everyone at the photo! Do we look different after 2 weeks break? For me, we are still the same. We are who we are. Just that we finished med school and going to enter a new chapter of life.

We had our graduation dinner at Impiana KLCC Hotel. It was raining that day, pretty heavy. At the last minute, I decided to use Cheras way since it was quite dark and I might miss the road signs if I used Putrajaya-KL highway. Cheras way was famous for its traffic jam. Urghh...really felt frustructed when i stucked into 'stupid' traffic jam. I did not want to be late.

I was glad that we reached there safe. I was happy to meet everyone there. Familiar faces, friendly smile..it was just like back to the old days. I couldnt believe that we had graduated and working soon. 'Transition period was always never easy' said by one of the lecturer. In my mind, I am still a medical student. However, in a month time, I'm a doctor. I either save or kill people. Hahaa...

Thanks for the committee for organising a such nice dinner! All the best to everyone! I gonna to miss u all!!!

Finally, finally..

28 February 2008

Today was an important moment for my batch. The final semester exam's result would be out today. We're asked to be at imu around 9AM. However, I only left home around 1030AM. I just too scared. Exam was cruel. I just had some bad feeling that not everyone of us could make it. I just hoped that it wasnt true. 'Is it me? ' I dun know. I just couldnt take it anymore. I knew that the result wont be out on time. As usual, the exam board would start to have meeting at that time. They were the one who decided who passed or failed. I could feel my heart beating and my hands sweating. My mind was in a mess. I did not know whether I could do it. I drove slowly, 70km/hour. It took me 1 hour to reach seremban. I got my result slip from someone (u knew whose the one, quite embarrased to tell why this happened..haha :P).

The deaneary and faculty are pleased to inform

that u have passed the semester 10 examination

Yeh! I passed. I was so excited. I congratulated and hugged whoever I met. I called my parents and told them about it. Years and years...finally I am a doctor now. Thanks my the family, lecturers, housemates, batchmates..etc for all the supports. All the effort, hard work, challenges and failure along the way...It really meaned nothing. It was never easy but i had overcome all these. Yeh!!

My heart sinked when I knew that not everyone made it. Exam systems in imu really sucked!!! Luck was always an issue. U could get common long case or rare diseases that u never encountered throughout ur life. For those who could not make it, I understood what u're going through. Always believe yourself, u're the best!!!!!!

Now, I have around 2 months holiday before housemanship starts. I have not been for holiday for a long time. At this point of view, I just want to rest, rest and rest....

Uncertainty

It's over. Really really over! Nothing I can do at this moment. What I can do is waiting!! Argh... I really hope that I can make it. I did not do well in my long case discussion. I was quite shock with the case that I got. The history was weird. Really really weird!! What the patient told me was what happened 8 years ago. He took a type of medication since then and did not have any relapse for the past 7 years. There was not much of signs on clinical examination. However, I really did my best. I 'pretended' to be confident (well, I wasnt sure what the case was about), presented the history as loud as possible, answered as much as I could. At the end of the examination, I almost wanted to say 'Pls pass me!!!' Luckily for me, portfolio discussion wasnt that tough. I quite satisfied with my performance. I got surgery, gynae and ortho cases for discussion. I could answer most of the questions.

Argh, it's finished. I drove back home, took shower, and slept. I was tired and exhausted physically and mentally. I hoped that's end of it. I did not want to undergo all this again in my life. It's really tough! I almost reached my limit.

Now, apart from waiting, I have something more urgent to deal with....Argh, I really do not want to talk about this. I really hope that I have money now.....a lot lot of $$$ :(

So close..

100 meters start line..

The last 100 meters in this point of your life
When you're so close to the end...
You never forget all the things which happened along the way
The friends who have brightened up your life
Or made u more miserable
The hurdles which you have overcome
Or brought u down
The deadlines that made u tougher
Or almost killed u
The delicious foods that made u happier
Or fatter
..................................

Now,

The time has come
To look for something better at the other end
The closure of one chapter in your life

Will mark the beginning of a new one

Are you ready?
On your marks, get set, go...

By sunshine

Special thanks preetha

New year resolution

Time flies. I can't believe that year 2007 is almost over. 2 hours later, here comes year 2008. Am I prepare for that? Haha..as usual, dunno (blur) I kept on thinking what I had happened for the past 1 year. Here was some hightlights:

• Started blogging
• Move to batu pahat
• Started Facebook & being superpoked n times
• Met some old friends that had not been meeting for 'ages'

My new year resolutions:

• pass semester 10
• start my housemanship & hopefully not posted places that i dun want
• buy a new laptop(brand yet to be confirmed)
• renovate my room at hometown
• travel: korea & vietnam(hmm if i have extra$$$, probably europe, australia, usa...endless list)
• cooking
• meet new friends
• Beijing olympic 2008 a great success

Well, we will see how things going. Nobody knows what happened in this coming year 2008. All the best!!!!!

Happy birthday aziemah...31 December 2007 @ secret recipe, batu pahat.

photoes : visit my facebook/friendster!!!!

Countdown @ bp walk with batchmates. Thanks, I really had great time!!! :)

Some thoughts...

Not know why, I met them again after 5 years. 5 years ago, we were the same. We left our country and went to a foreign land. We left my family,friends, country behind. What we wanted was to persue our dream. We did not know anyone & anything in that foreign land. We started our new life in that small island. What i knew was uncertainty,fear or perhaps 'culture shock' surrounded me. I left home for the first time in my life. (well, i was just too pampered by my parents before this) .Everything was too 'well-developed' and 'systematic'. Rules & regulations were everywhere. U would get fine for small mistakes. This country imported geniuses around the world. Everyone was 'somebody' in their country. Challenges were everywhere. The environment was 'competitive'. Maybe I was not equipped to face all these. Just had a feeling that this land was not suitable for me.

I had make an important decision in my life. After spending 1 year in this land, I quitted and back to my country. Although my parents did not against my decision, I could feel their disappointment. Everyone around me was curious. They wanted to know why. In their opinion, the small island was a best place to persue my degree and work. But, I just did not belong to there. I joined a new course and wanted to start my new life. Things had not ended yet. I was haunted with all questions by relatives, friends, neighbours, school teachers. They thought i shouldnt be selfish and spending so much for my education as i still had siblings. I was tired & exhausted physically and mentally. I just did not understand why they cared so much or too much. It caused significant distress to my life and I just could not stand it. I just could not concentrate on what i was doing. Things just went wrong when u were emotionally distress!!!

Argg!! For the 5 years, i tried to avoid this issue. I never talked to anyone about this. I always pretended to be strong. It looked like a ulcerated, necrotic wound deeply inside my heart. However, this had come to the end. Time was the best medicine for any 'trauma' i guessed. I wanted to move forward and continued what i wanted.

I talked to my these friends. Although we had not met for years, i found one thing in common. We really worked very hard for surviving. Life is too tough sometimes. Relax and have fun at the same time. Happiness is much more important!!!

Erwin, Emmy & Kin seng...batu pahat is a small town. Nothing much can explore. Hope u all really have great time!!! thanks for coming. All the best in the future...

memories @ kampung othman..

c2/05, thanks everyone to make the community project a big succeed..

little pondok @ the school

plants @ the sekolah agama

housemates of the day: ann, aziah, little baby boy

nice bouquet at the house

the indian dance's dancers..

me & the performers for the cultural night

my current groupmates (r)preetha,me, jingwern& soon han

me & azman

more photoes, pls visit my friendster..www.friendster.com

Community service @ Kampung Parit Othman

15 & 16 December 2007 were special days for the us. All the semester 10 students were heading to Kampung Parit Othman 2 days 1 night for 'kampung angkat' community programme. We were having health screening, exhibition and talk programme, telematch, 'gotong-royong' and staying there for 1 night in respective family. Special thanks to all the commitee members, fellow batch colleagues and kampung peoples to make the project a great success. And of course, the lecturers that came and support us!!!

I was involved in the health screening programme, telematch and gotong-royong. I was in-charged of adult vision acuity test with shangkeree and hajar and cleaned the religious school with my current o&g group. As it was raining in the evening, the telematch ended up to be in the religious school's hall. I was in the red team and had so much of fun. YEH!!!! I stayed with aziah and ann in my keluarga angkat's house. It was a precious experience for me.It was my first encounter staying in kampung. I had so many 'stupid' questions to ask. Really sorry for that. However, I survived... Haha..

**coming soon..some photoes i took during the community services.**

Congratulations Dr Kenny Lee!!!

A selfless doctor that chose to serve the rural community, sacrificing comfort to live out his convictions!

Kenny came from an ordinarily poor family where he is the eldest, followed by two younger sisters. His relatives chipped in to send him to further his studies in UK. Since then, he was inspired by the spirit of humanity found there.

When he returned to Malaysia, while many would go for the hospitals in the major cities, he applied to work in the rural areas instead. Truly a compassionate doctor who seeks to serve the poor and needy.

more on: http://www.ayaawards.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=48&Itemid=1

I'm sick!

25 October 2007

We celebrated Ainon's birthday at KFC, The Summit. Thanks Ainon for buying us food. This sound abeit weird as we let the birthday gal to pay for the meal. Anyway thanks alot! :) We bought her a blueberry cake at the bakery shop nearby. It really tasty. Cake really boasted my energy up.

I started to have burning sensation in my throat during the afternoon clinic session. I thought this must be due to the ajinomoto.

26 October 2007

Generalised fatigue by the time I wake up from the bed. I had low grade fever. I decided to miss the morning ward work. I went back to bed after light breakfast and 2 tab PCM. I went for Dr vela's class as I felt better later on. I started to have dry cough and itchy throat. I took another 2 tab PCM before I went for class. That day was a disaster for me. Dr vela's class was about DM. Nothing went into brain. I just felt sick and tired. Fever was still there. The temperature was higher. I had chill & rigor at the same time. I hoped to off the air-conditioner but I did not do that. I want to leave the class and went back to rest. But, I didn't. It ended up I sat there and copied whatever he said. The class ended about 4pm.

I drove back and swallowed 2 PCM. I even slept without showered. I just too tired. I had myalgia and arthralgia. I did not have energy for others. I covered myself with blanket. The temperature was spiking. At the same time, I had chill & rigor. I switched off the fan and yet I was very cold. THe PCM was not working. I was just not ok. I decided to go to the A&E around 6pm. The doctor in charge recognised my face. Haha, I went to A& E for on-call 2 days ago and was under him. On examination, T=38.4C, PR=106/min, BP=128/75mmHg. Throat was congested and lung was clear. I was treated as bacterial pharyngitis. I was given PCM, EES, and Diphenhydramine. I was adviced to come back for blood test if the fever persisted for 3 days. (TRO Dengue)

I had light dinner that day. I had no appetite. I felt tired, fatigue and sleepy. I swallowed the medications and went to bed early.

27 October 2007

I woke up at the middle of the night around 1am and was looking for PCM. The fever was so high that I felt my head was bursting. In the middle of the dark, I was able to look for the medication & swallowed(I hoped it's the right medication) . My body & feet were cold and I shivered even with the blanket on. What happened to me? I went back to bed after taking PCM. I just had no energy. I did not do anything that day. I was just too weak. My whole day was about swallowed medications and sleeping. I did not even eat anything.

28 October 2007

I felt better today. I wasnt as tired as yesterday. Fever was not as bad as yesterday. However, I started to have hoarseness of voice, productive cough and running nose. My throat was super pain, even during swallowed saliva. I could not talk. At the same time, my tummy was not ok. It was due to the medications. I took the med with empty stomach. And again, all the new symptoms just made my life miserable. And at the same time, preetha was sick. She had the similar symptoms as I did. In addition to that, she vomitted for the whole night. Poor thing, she got the infection from me.

29 October 2007

I missed school today. I just couldnt stop coughing. My chest and abdomen's muscles were aching becaused of the terrible cough. The temperature had settled. I still couldnt talk as usual. I stayed at home and did my first portfolio. I took frequent nap as I felt tired easily. I wanted my health back I was immunocompromised. I couldnot finish my portfolio 1. I still had learning issue. Preetha went back to kajang. Her parents came and fetched her. She's so lucky. I really felt jealous. Hmm....why lah? Becaused my parents didn't come to bp? Haha..anyway they had called me and asked me to seek treatment and took good care of myself.

30 October 2007-1 November 2007

This 2 days were hectic. A/P Bernard came from seremban to conduct classes with us. He had ward rounds and portfolio review with us. I had to cover my bed and presented a case to him. My cough was terrible especially in the ward. I just couldnt stop coughing.I felt tired easily. At the same time, I was glad that i was able to finish my learning issues on time. Thanks pooi yee for putting me last for portfolio review. I posted my 2nd case on Dr vela's blog on time. This was a miracle for me!

Until now, I still havnt recovered from coughing. Crowded ward, fan, air-conditioner are the predisposing factors that worsen my cough. I' m looking forward the deepavali holiday. I need holiday and rest. I'm desperate to want my health back. Life is just too tough especially when you're sick.

Portfolio 2 learning issues on progress! Video conference is at tomorrow and A/P Khin is coming on tuesday!

Survival of the fittest!

24 September 2007, 10AM

This was the most memorable day throughout the paediatrics posting. First day @ SCN and yet encountered unforgettable moment in my life. I started to realize what 'SURVIVOR OF THE FITTEST' meant and how lucky for those who had undergone it. Life was fragile and not all could come this world uneventful. Just do not take things for granted!

MESSAGE from labour room: A 26 weeks twins pregnancy primi, experienced sudden contraction. Upon arrival, found that she was 2nd stage of labour. MO & HO in charge immediately rushed to the labour, well followed by 3 medical students as well.

MO: 26 weeks ,Twin!!! Nobody will know what happen upon delivered. Prepared warmers, suction, oxygen, ambu bags, larygoscopes......

A: Only 1 heartbeat was detected! and yet the rate & volume were....(sounds like prognosis was not that good)

After few minutes, the twins were delivered. No cries, floppy, no signs of life....

weight: 0.5kg & 0.6kg

No active resuscitation was done!

I looked at both twins. So small.....no so tiny......

I stood there for a few minutes. I was speechless and did not know what to do. Just kinds of feeling and yet dunno what that.

Life is fragile. Not everyone survive when he/she comes to this world. Some may need help (resuscitation).

How lucky you are & Appreciate what you have!

This 2 weeks really drove me crazy, portfolio2, correction for portfolio1 and yet had alot of problems, CFCS only just started.

and DEADLINE: 3 October 2007

I felt so tired. Coffee at night,Stayed up late at night and struggled to wake up in the morning. Sleepy during afternoon session (Oops, hopefully no one aware..)

{well, alert only in the morning as SCN was just too interesting...resuscitation, umbilical artery & vein catheterization, knowledgable MO and nice HOs, tiny babies that struggled for survival...etc.}

Life was just up side down.

Started to notice that i had not been reading..Grrrr...feeling so dumb and stupid!

Am i complaining too much? i'm a nagger especially when i'm stress. I try not to complain too much and yet my mouth just cant stop. Oops, any genetic reasons behind this? Haha.. or female likes to complaint.( wana to prove it? just do a randomised controlled clinical trial)

Okok, I survived first minute of life although quite struggled actually, i was a forcep baby. My mum claimed that my head " too big", could not come out..haha

And sure i can make it. I MUST FINISH EVERYTHING ON TIME!!!!

stop stop, time to continued my cfcs report, hopefully can finish by this weekend

Adjustment disorder

I just back from my house. 3 hours plus drive, really tiring and exhausted. My back was aching and i kept on yawning. Glad that i drove back safe & on time. I really struggled alot since this morning. I dun feel like wanted to come back. I knew it was impossible but my mind & body just abeit out of control. This was my first trip back home after 2 weeks @ batu pahat. Due to my cfcs final visit, I spent less than 24 hours at home. However, my family, good food, familiar environment cheer my life up. For the past 2 weeks, life was up & down like roller coaster. I never forgot my first portfolio (deadline was 2 days after i was informed) & having food poisoning at the same time. Haha, I still survived and finished on time. Of course, on the other hand, bbq nite & food tour with hwee hwee really changed my view about batu pahat. Maybe i ned to open my heart to accept new things. Life will be much more easier. I should not keep on comparing life here with seremban. Am I having adjustment disorder? However, I really missed my room @ Blossom Height.Just so much differences..!!!! Here are some photoes...

place where i slept, studied...

master bed..

spacious..place where i played ping pong!

& my laptop with my 'lazy'chair..

bathroom & toilet

Move on

By Brandon Norris

All these days I've cried
Is just wasted time
All this pain i feel
Isn't really real
Tomorrow will be okay
But i don't know that today
The world is so unkind
To me the boy whose lost in time
I'm gonna have to move on
Before my time here is gone
I know its so hard
But its never to far
I can see it in the sky
All these reasons whyIll ask for your hand
Tell me you'll be there if you can
Help me move on
Move on, move on
Yeah its hard
But its never to far
Its time to take control
Don't be afraid of this new role
Gotta get yourself together
To find out about forever
And when you feel like coming home
Roll on like a rolling stone
And move on, move on
Move on
Don't be afraid
Its all gonna be okay

New housemates.

Friday 0730, leaving house to IMU.

This morning, when i locked my house gate, surprisely I saw a bird nest with a grey bird A. This explained why the parking space was dirtied by sh*t for the past 1 week.




Sunday 17 June 1700, back from kajang

of course the nest was still there, but had occupied by other bird, B. Who is B? A's couple or housemate?

What should I do? I really had no idea. These 2 housemates were not welcomed. Sh*t just everywhere bcoz of them. I just wanted to borrow stairs from neighbour and move their nest away but at the same time, I'm ANIMAL PHOBIA. I scared of animals..

Hey, somebody had to do something....:(

Pilates, here I am !!

This evening was my first pilates lesson after 1 month break. I just felt like my muscles were weak and flabby (fat perhaps). I gained kilo +-s after stopped for a month. I had difficulties performed some of the series, especially tummy and thigh work up. My muscles below umbilicus were not in my controlled. I almost strained my thigh muscles. Almost....luckily not. However, I felt fresh and energetic after the lesson. Everything was wanderful and cheerful.

I started pilates during semester 8, under influenced of my housemates. I never came across pilates in my life before this. Through my housemates, pilates was something like yoga but with equipments like dumbbell, ball and stretch band. Still remembered my first day, I wore T-shirt and long pants; sitting at the back seat of my housemate's car and went for my first lesson. We were late around 5 min for the class. In order not to interrupting the class, I started my first lesson without introduced myself to our instructor, Miss Jenny. My first impression:

Pilates was demanding....

We did alot exercise on muscle strengthening and stretching of the whole body with equipments that i stated above. The class lasted around 1 hour w/o break in between. Plus I was just recovered from right knee pain for a month and left knee was just feeling not that right. (I suffered from knee problem since Aug 06, my doc claimed that i had VMO weakness and needed exercise). My knees were weird. The pain came anytime but sure one of the precipitating factor was prolonged standing during CP. The severity was varies and the worst was until I couldnt sleep. My legs were just too weak. I really had no idea whether I could do it. Surprisingly, i finished the lesson without serious 'side effects' (muscleache) that my housemates told me. I felt my legs muscles were stronger. I could stand longer without knee pain. HAHA... life quality was so much better. I was no longer 'disable'.

What is pilates? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilates

Looking for house @ bp

3 months, around 100 days from now, i'm going to sit my final professional exam. Time flies and I just dont notice that I have been in Seremban for 2 years. That means..i'm going to batu pahat for my final semester and if everything goes smooth, i'm going to be a houseman next year...if if if...future is future. What is important NOW,

(1) study hard to pass exam (2) looking for house @ batu pahat

Looking for a house is a stressful event. I am glad that at least I have started my first footstep today. I started contact the seniors for available houses for rent early this week. And this morning, my housemates and I finally went to bp. Special thanks for hooi joo' cousin, Mr Edmund to be the driver. (He skipped his class to drive us there :S). It took 4 hours to and fro, and a few hours we're hunting for houses, such a long and tiring journey. Most of us ended up sleeping in the car. Zzzzz....We had seen 6 houses so far (hopefully that's all) and narrowed our choice into 2. Special thanks for the senoirs charity, woonfang, kevin&lynda, ivy, praveena&nithia, jason&meeling for spending their precious time to 'entertain' us...hehe

Making decision is difficult and never easy. It just like making differential diagnoses in the medical career. To make things easier, let's use prof b diagnosis formulation. (I'm in peads posting now)

Option Pros

house A (1)cheap (2)clean & neat (3)windy

house B (1 ) spacious rooms (2)beautiful & wanderful

Option Cons

house A (1) small rooms (2)grasses to be cut

house B (1) hot ?too many CO2 (2) RM100 more (3) weird stairs & grasses

What u can see, distance is not really an issue..actually this 2 houses locates @ the same location (5-10min drive) and all of us owns cars. How about furniture? For me, it is ok..I can bring my furniture from seremban with my car. Weather? Malaysia is a tropical country. Kajang is hot, seremban is hot, bp is hot...but at the time we visited house A around early afternoon, it is super windy. According to the senior that stays there, it is hot only in the morning..night is super cool. Is house B hot? The senior said yes-all the day. What I observe, they just closed all the windows,no fresh air coming in. why? yet to be confirmed...Size of the room...for me definately a problem, I just stressed and lost control easier @ spaceless, small, crowded place. I avoid going to any place with lots of ppl. I prefer stay @ home during wkend other than in a busy mall. Problems occur whenever i share rooms with sister or housemate. How bout the cleanness & neatness? I'm not that particular about it. Just look @ my table..haha I can accept certain degree of spontaneous & disorganized but there is a threshold. Money a matter? I'm still a student and financially dependent on my father. I'm not a good financial planner but of course i want to keep the rent as low as possible...

Am i too fussy? or I just looking for my dream house..

Welcome to my blog..

Welcome to my blog!

Just hope to share all the laughters and tears, up and down in my life. Why I use 'Life is beautiful' as header? I always believe life is wanderful. Human being is created with unique talent and ablility. Nothing is impossible in life. There is always an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty, just that whether we put enough effort to cross the hurdle. Life is never smooth, but thanks to my family and friends are that stay with me all the time.

Once again, feel free to visit my blog!:)